A Single Middle-Aged Woman...

Though I originally wrote the following entry in November of 2007, I just now, a full year later, worked up the courage to publish it. I ended the relationship with the fella mentioned here and have yet to enter another one. The former BF mentioned came back into my life for a blink. I've gotten over that now as well. Admired, Respected, Appreciated, Noticed, Adored, Encouraged, Desired, Nurtured, These are all feelings that I am not used to having directed towards me by a man. It started with my father and has continued from there. We kept one another at arm's length and it worked just fine. I've never known what it was like to have a man feel these ways for me and it makes me uncomfortable. My mother used to feel these ways about me and I put up my guard. I didn't trust it. Most importantly, I didn't feel worthy. Why not? I am most comfortable with men who only give me snippets of attention, love and adoration. I am constantly hungry for it and now, now I have a m...

One of the hardest things to come to terms with as I age is the profound difference between the age I feel in my mind and the age my body and face show me in the mirror. I still want to bounce around in a bikini like a 25 year old (I was totally hot at 25, even though I was toting around a toddler). I can't even bring myself to wear bikini underwear anymore. Not because my lover will be repulsed...screw that! Not only does it repulse me( it being the hunk of flab that droops over the top edge of the underwear when I'm in a sitting position) , but the hunk 'o flab is prominent enough that I can feel it even while standing. So, I can't escape it. Maybe if I didn't feel this slab of brisket bunching up around my torso region every time I so much as dare to slouch, not to mention sit down, I might dare to bare ~ a little. I worked with a heavy set young woman once, she was a big girl, who was wise about her size. She said just because they make bikinis in my size does n...

I know I am not the only single middle-aged woman with children whom I worry about. My second child, female, told me she was meeting a man, with whom she had only communicated with online, in person for coffee this evening. When it came time for her to meet him, she called to say he was actually picking her up from her apartment. Instantly my protective instincts kicked in and I over-reacted. I lost my temper and asked her if she'd lost her fucking mind giving a total stranger access to where she lived. She hung up on me. I tried calling her back. No answer. It went to voicemail. I leave a message asking her if her need to be a grown-up is so strong that she is willing to risk her life for it? (she's 22) I know, I know, she is an adult, but there are grown women my age, who have nothing to prove who are more careful than that. I text, I email, I leave messages. Finally, she emails me back that he was meeting her near the leasing office and doesn't know where her apartm...