Misery IS my company
Though I originally wrote the following entry in November of 2007, I just now, a full year later, worked up the courage to publish it. I ended the relationship with the fella mentioned here and have yet to enter another one. The former BF mentioned came back into my life for a blink. I've gotten over that now as well.
Admired, Respected, Appreciated, Noticed, Adored, Encouraged, Desired, Nurtured,
These are all feelings that I am not used to having directed towards me by a man. It started with my father and has continued from there. We kept one another at arm's length and it worked just fine. I've never known what it was like to have a man feel these ways for me and it makes me uncomfortable. My mother used to feel these ways about me and I put up my guard. I didn't trust it. Most importantly, I didn't feel worthy. Why not?
I am most comfortable with men who only give me snippets of attention, love and adoration. I am constantly hungry for it and now, now I have a man in my life that gives me all that as well as love and I hold my guard. Why? I say it is because I am not physically attracted to him. My daughter says that is an excuse born of fear of being hurt, rejected, and disappointed.
I say he doesn't love me...he merely lusts for me. My friends say lust is there, but his feelings are more than lust. They know I am healing from my last relationship, for which I still pine (mostly on a sexual, physical basis), and they say take a good comparative look at it and remember all the things (those things in the opening line above) that were missing that lead me to walk away from it. They say the likelihood of finding a man who showers me with all the feelings above and with whom I will have a strong physical attraction and relationship is rare, if not impossible. I do not accept that. To do so feels like settling. (maybe that's why they call it settling down)
you bring to you that which you send out...
Admired, Respected, Appreciated, Noticed, Adored, Encouraged, Desired, Nurtured,
These are all feelings that I am not used to having directed towards me by a man. It started with my father and has continued from there. We kept one another at arm's length and it worked just fine. I've never known what it was like to have a man feel these ways for me and it makes me uncomfortable. My mother used to feel these ways about me and I put up my guard. I didn't trust it. Most importantly, I didn't feel worthy. Why not?
I am most comfortable with men who only give me snippets of attention, love and adoration. I am constantly hungry for it and now, now I have a man in my life that gives me all that as well as love and I hold my guard. Why? I say it is because I am not physically attracted to him. My daughter says that is an excuse born of fear of being hurt, rejected, and disappointed.
I say he doesn't love me...he merely lusts for me. My friends say lust is there, but his feelings are more than lust. They know I am healing from my last relationship, for which I still pine (mostly on a sexual, physical basis), and they say take a good comparative look at it and remember all the things (those things in the opening line above) that were missing that lead me to walk away from it. They say the likelihood of finding a man who showers me with all the feelings above and with whom I will have a strong physical attraction and relationship is rare, if not impossible. I do not accept that. To do so feels like settling. (maybe that's why they call it settling down)
you bring to you that which you send out...
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