My Charlie Brown moment with Farmers Only Dot Com

Close your eyes and imagine a picture of Lucy holding a football on end for Charlie Brown to kick.

Last summer I took a suggestion from my eldest daughter to post a profile on Farmers Only Dot Com.

I've done my fair share of online dating over the years...and my first step in that murky water was at the suggestion of a friend.  I was two years into being a widow and they said I needed to "get out there."  Beware of those words, girls.  I'm just saying.  So, I gave it a shot and for the next few years met a few, how shall I say this, horny, selfish and immature men out to have a good time.  A couple hung around for a couple of years, but only because they were too lazy to date, and well, I'm really easy to get along with and super nice...too nice.  Remind me to write a blog about how much most men love crazy bitches, which I am not but I envy them a little.  I swear...it's an enigma.

It had been two years since I dated, so, when my kid suggested Farmers Only, she's a pretty level-headed person, and I figured what the hell, right?  Maybe I'll meet a nice country fella who has good old-fashioned manners.

I posted and began chatting with a few fellas.  Most were all pretty transparent about their motives.  I avoided them.

Now, in my earlier experiences with online dating, it was usual to meet for coffee first and see if there was a mutual attraction.  I broke with tradition and agreed to meet and have dinner AND go to a baseball game with a gentleman. NEVER do that!  It is ALWAYS a bad idea and almost always turns out negatively.  I say almost just to avoid all inclusive language, but in my case, always fits.

This time was no different.  

Although this gentleman was 23 years older than me, and maybe a little because of it, I decided to give him a shot.  You'd think the age difference would matter but not to me.  It matters what kind of person he is. Unfortunately, this gentleman was a total strike out.

Strike one, turns out he photographed better than he looked, and maybe that's a strike against me for being superficial enough to admit looks matter, but they do and he was not attractive to me, plus he was shorter, not a strike, more like a walk, but I digress.

So strike one, not attractive, to me.  Strike two, he had more money than God. Yeah, that can be a problem.  In my experience with men with money, they have been domineering control freaks.  Strike three, and this was the clincher, he was a raging racist.

At dinner he made what he thought was a joke about "the little black boy" in reference to the African-American young man taking our food order.  In retrospect, I should have excused myself to the bathroom, gotten in my car and drove home.  I didn't even think of that, but I wish I had.  Instead, my gut clenched because I didn't know how to tell grandpa he was way out of line.  He boasted about how he had the midas touch with making money and how much land he owned.  In his defense, he did speak very well of his family, especially his mother, his children and grandchildren.

Entering the reserved parking lot at the baseball stadium, he again made a comment about how the "black boy (who was from Italy, btw) who runs the parking lot" always takes good care of him by getting him a good spot and making sure he has a cart to take him to the gate.  We parked where everyone else with reserved parking parked and waited a good 15 minutes for the cart to make its way around to us.  I didn't mind the wait, but it REALLY bothers me when men brag about having privileges as if they're exclusive to just them and they aren't.  It bothers me when people brag, period.

At the game, he insisted on taking me to the gift shop and buying me a jersey.  I know he was just trying to impress me but jeepers, official jerseys are expensive and I knew that.  I also HATE it when men want to buy me something expensive on a first date, because in past experiences, the motive of gestures like that was to imply some form of obligation.  Jeez, baggage much? I tried to talk him out of it but he would not take no for an answer.  control freak Turns out I didn't need to worry about it...the jerseys were over $100 and you could hear his voice squeak when he read the price.  Awkward.  I suggested we look at t-shirts instead and he had no problem with the $28 price tag. I still haven't worn that t-shirt by the way, though I really like it.

Post game conversation revealed he was still a "romantic" man and liked to be romantic at least once a day.  Seriously? At least he used a polite euphemism, but he still brought up sex on the first date. He also tried to talk me out of interviewing for a job out of our general area because it would interfere with our dating!

So here we are on the first date and he's insulted members of the African-American race, brought up his sexual needs and desires and not only assumed we were dating, but that he could voice his opinion about what jobs for which I could and should interview.  

Call me crazy, and I'm sure there are some out there who would, but good manners and a big bank account are not enough!   Maybe I expect too much, and if so and if that means I'm alone, so be it. It's probably just as well because I'm obviously ignorant of when a man is behaving like an asshole and a coward for not calling him out on it.

I'm done with online dating.  If I'm supposed to meet a fella, I'll meet him the old-fashioned way, face to face by frequenting the same places, work, church, hiking...hell I don't know...anywhere but online.

When I told my daughter about his disastrous experience, she said, "Mom, I was was JUST KIDDING!!!" Then she laughed.  What the hell?

AAUGH!!!