Cycles
A friend of mine sent me a post from a Yahoo group that discusses Joseph Campbell's mythology wherein cycles were mentioned in the context that life is a progression of spirals, as that of a road winding up a mountain, as opposed to a linear progression culminating in the end of history. Which brings to mind, either way, there is a peak, a summit, an end to which the road comes, is there not?
According to the post writer one encounters in their life similar types of problems time and again but each time we overcome a problem we gain experience therefore by the time we meet it again they have attained through that previous experience a more conscious awareness and thus meet them on a higher plane. Does this suggest we handle the problem better or just differently?
What prompted my friend to send me this post was he remembered from an email I had written him in the wee hours one morning I had touched on the subject of cycles in my own life. This seems to be a recurrent theme for single middle-aged women, for if it were not, most of us would not be single.
So, are we handling the problem better or differently?
Before I met my first husband I had a string of bad luck with men. The problem? I was sooo naive. I believed everything any of them told me. What they didn't tell me I assumed through observing their actions and grasping at snippets of their remarks for any spark of hope that they would love me as much as I loved them.
I was the walking dead...an unconscious participant in my own life. I never really connected with any of them. I was never really connected to me.
Then I met my first husband...one of the most honest and sincere men I have ever known.
We married a mere 6 months later. Too fast. Looking back, after 16 years of marriage and three kids I never really connected with him either. Some day, I'll do a whole post on my philosophy of divorce, reconciliation and regret.
I thought and swore after my first marriage I'd never marry again, but I did, less than two years after my divorce. I only knew the guy for 3 months. What the hell was I thinking? Well, he was older, supposedly financially secure and swept me off my feet...plus I was on the rebound from a very long marriage...I hadn't grieved and processed that. I tried to connect with husband number 2, but it one cannot connect with the disconnected. (This marriage and it's demise is the subject of a future post as well, mustn't forget that, no sir...it's a doosey.)
After marriage number two I took a long three year break to grieve, process and regroup. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. I connected with myself in a way I never had in my whole life. I learned what I liked, but then I'm still learning that. I got comfortable being in my own company. Most importantly, I set a few boundaries...it took me a few tries after I started dating again to hone how to put them in force but I did it, sort of.
My old naivete still haunted me. I dated a couple of guys long distance. It sucked and it didn't last, the connection I craved eluded me! After a few months of solitude I began again and dated several guys in succession...well I went on several first dates anyway. Thanks to my new found perspective, that being the fact that I made it clear I was dating to find either a husband or at least a lifelong partner, with none of that phoney baloney, the fellas rarely made it to the second date. I could tell almost by just looking at them through the coffee shop window whether or not it was a go and most of the time...it was not; until I met the last man I dated.
Finally, a real connection! From our first date we were never with anyone else...and no, we didn't sleep together on the first date...good gawd! We were together over two and half years.
Now here's where this vicious cycle comes in. I communicated from the very beginning that I was dating to find a mate, a husband even, a partner for life. So how was it that one year into the relationship when I broached the subject of our future together did he miss this very important detail?
I'll tell ya why. I didn't communicate it clearly enough nor often enough. You see, I thought because it was part of my online profile and that we had discussed it in our first three or four dates and that he had brought up my living with him, albeit way too early in the relationship at the fourth date, and that two weeks into our relationship he took me to a family reunion, I assumed we were on the same track. I am not the kind of girl that asks every third date, "where is this going?" I figured, I'd written it, he'd read it. I said it, he'd heard it. His actions gave every indication he felt the same way. Wrong!
Although I'd written it, he either didn't read it, or ignored it. I said it, he side-stepped it with some witty remark. Aha! There again, I was caught being disconnected because if I'd be 'aware' I would have caught that little shuffle off to buffalo and stopped the music right then and there, or would I? His actions, well either he was misleading me or I simply misinterpreted them.
The bottom line is...I should have been specific, direct to the point of being brutally honest and found our early on that he had no intention of ever marrying me or sharing a life with me. I would have saved myself probably two years. Were they wasted? No. He was a decent guy and I learned something. The fact that I let the relationship continue for another year and a half after that was stupid and an example of the lack of respect for myself that I needed to bolster.
So, here I am again, back in the loop...where I'm supposed to, by my own design, be grieving and healing.
We've been broken up less than three months and what am I doing? Dating.
I figured it's like this. If I should try something different...like date now, while I am so bruised that I'm not going to let anyone get too close too soon, while the sting of what happens when one assumes and speculates instead of having a pointed discussion and pepper that with a touch of humility and vulnerability...who knows...maybe if I change up my game, I'll break the cycle.
According to the post writer one encounters in their life similar types of problems time and again but each time we overcome a problem we gain experience therefore by the time we meet it again they have attained through that previous experience a more conscious awareness and thus meet them on a higher plane. Does this suggest we handle the problem better or just differently?
What prompted my friend to send me this post was he remembered from an email I had written him in the wee hours one morning I had touched on the subject of cycles in my own life. This seems to be a recurrent theme for single middle-aged women, for if it were not, most of us would not be single.
So, are we handling the problem better or differently?
Before I met my first husband I had a string of bad luck with men. The problem? I was sooo naive. I believed everything any of them told me. What they didn't tell me I assumed through observing their actions and grasping at snippets of their remarks for any spark of hope that they would love me as much as I loved them.
I was the walking dead...an unconscious participant in my own life. I never really connected with any of them. I was never really connected to me.
Then I met my first husband...one of the most honest and sincere men I have ever known.
We married a mere 6 months later. Too fast. Looking back, after 16 years of marriage and three kids I never really connected with him either. Some day, I'll do a whole post on my philosophy of divorce, reconciliation and regret.
I thought and swore after my first marriage I'd never marry again, but I did, less than two years after my divorce. I only knew the guy for 3 months. What the hell was I thinking? Well, he was older, supposedly financially secure and swept me off my feet...plus I was on the rebound from a very long marriage...I hadn't grieved and processed that. I tried to connect with husband number 2, but it one cannot connect with the disconnected. (This marriage and it's demise is the subject of a future post as well, mustn't forget that, no sir...it's a doosey.)
After marriage number two I took a long three year break to grieve, process and regroup. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. I connected with myself in a way I never had in my whole life. I learned what I liked, but then I'm still learning that. I got comfortable being in my own company. Most importantly, I set a few boundaries...it took me a few tries after I started dating again to hone how to put them in force but I did it, sort of.
My old naivete still haunted me. I dated a couple of guys long distance. It sucked and it didn't last, the connection I craved eluded me! After a few months of solitude I began again and dated several guys in succession...well I went on several first dates anyway. Thanks to my new found perspective, that being the fact that I made it clear I was dating to find either a husband or at least a lifelong partner, with none of that phoney baloney, the fellas rarely made it to the second date. I could tell almost by just looking at them through the coffee shop window whether or not it was a go and most of the time...it was not; until I met the last man I dated.
Finally, a real connection! From our first date we were never with anyone else...and no, we didn't sleep together on the first date...good gawd! We were together over two and half years.
Now here's where this vicious cycle comes in. I communicated from the very beginning that I was dating to find a mate, a husband even, a partner for life. So how was it that one year into the relationship when I broached the subject of our future together did he miss this very important detail?
I'll tell ya why. I didn't communicate it clearly enough nor often enough. You see, I thought because it was part of my online profile and that we had discussed it in our first three or four dates and that he had brought up my living with him, albeit way too early in the relationship at the fourth date, and that two weeks into our relationship he took me to a family reunion, I assumed we were on the same track. I am not the kind of girl that asks every third date, "where is this going?" I figured, I'd written it, he'd read it. I said it, he'd heard it. His actions gave every indication he felt the same way. Wrong!
Although I'd written it, he either didn't read it, or ignored it. I said it, he side-stepped it with some witty remark. Aha! There again, I was caught being disconnected because if I'd be 'aware' I would have caught that little shuffle off to buffalo and stopped the music right then and there, or would I? His actions, well either he was misleading me or I simply misinterpreted them.
The bottom line is...I should have been specific, direct to the point of being brutally honest and found our early on that he had no intention of ever marrying me or sharing a life with me. I would have saved myself probably two years. Were they wasted? No. He was a decent guy and I learned something. The fact that I let the relationship continue for another year and a half after that was stupid and an example of the lack of respect for myself that I needed to bolster.
So, here I am again, back in the loop...where I'm supposed to, by my own design, be grieving and healing.
We've been broken up less than three months and what am I doing? Dating.
I figured it's like this. If I should try something different...like date now, while I am so bruised that I'm not going to let anyone get too close too soon, while the sting of what happens when one assumes and speculates instead of having a pointed discussion and pepper that with a touch of humility and vulnerability...who knows...maybe if I change up my game, I'll break the cycle.
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