Codependent on the Past
One of the most disturbing things occurred to me today while researching the definition of codependency...I think I may be codependent on the past. How? you ask. Well, codependency has to do with control. At least that's what this link says...http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/Codependency.htm
Anyway, after reading this it occurred to me that I am letting my regrets about past mistakes and choices control my present and consequently my future. How sick is that? Pretty sick, I say.
I make a vow to myself this day...I will let go of my past. I will move into the future without regret. I believe I have apologized to those closest to me whom I have harmed and therefore have no other unsaid apologies to make.
In the 12 step traditions I believe I have sucessfully completed at least steps 4, 5, and 8 throughout the last 11 years.
So why have I hung on to those past regrets? Why have I punished myself so? Because in the true fashion of a codependent personality, if I just feel guilty enough I can make up for the affects and effects my actions caused. If I could just do it over! But, I cannot. I've tried in some instances and it never worked. Did that stop me from trying again? No, my tenacity is one of my more admirable characteristics but not so in this case.
How many of us suffer from this? Surely I am not alone, for I have talked to other single middle-aged women, who have expressed similiar regrets to me about their failed marriages and the affects of it on thier children, but not fully understanding that control was the central theme to codependency ooohhh, I almost said, able to help them. Ha! This codependency is insidious.
Well, I unashamedly offer this post as whatever help it may to others who read it and see themselves herein.
This will not be an easily accomplished overnight task. No, it will take much more prayer and meditation than I have given it today.
Here I am merely throwing down a stream of consciousness as it occurs to me, so it is inevitable there will be subsequent posts on this subject.
Anyway, after reading this it occurred to me that I am letting my regrets about past mistakes and choices control my present and consequently my future. How sick is that? Pretty sick, I say.
I make a vow to myself this day...I will let go of my past. I will move into the future without regret. I believe I have apologized to those closest to me whom I have harmed and therefore have no other unsaid apologies to make.
In the 12 step traditions I believe I have sucessfully completed at least steps 4, 5, and 8 throughout the last 11 years.
So why have I hung on to those past regrets? Why have I punished myself so? Because in the true fashion of a codependent personality, if I just feel guilty enough I can make up for the affects and effects my actions caused. If I could just do it over! But, I cannot. I've tried in some instances and it never worked. Did that stop me from trying again? No, my tenacity is one of my more admirable characteristics but not so in this case.
How many of us suffer from this? Surely I am not alone, for I have talked to other single middle-aged women, who have expressed similiar regrets to me about their failed marriages and the affects of it on thier children, but not fully understanding that control was the central theme to codependency ooohhh, I almost said, able to help them. Ha! This codependency is insidious.
Well, I unashamedly offer this post as whatever help it may to others who read it and see themselves herein.
This will not be an easily accomplished overnight task. No, it will take much more prayer and meditation than I have given it today.
Here I am merely throwing down a stream of consciousness as it occurs to me, so it is inevitable there will be subsequent posts on this subject.
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