A Single Middle-Aged Woman...

She wakes from the animated , sexy dream about him again. He's one of two men she's ever dreamt about like that. The dreams come so easily, so unexpectedly. They set her mind to wondering "what if" thoughts. She doesn't want to think "what if" thoughts about him; especially not him. Telling herself she won't be like all the other women in his life...not the ones who raped his trust, and not the foolish ones who chase him. She loves him. He loves her. They are friends. Just friends. Friends who have an inappropriate amount of sexual tension between them. He was so animated and funny and uninhibited, which made him nearly irresistible. He danced naked in front of her. Not a serious, seductive male stripper kind of dance. He danced a playful, teasing dance, wagging his naked penis at her, enticing her to do fun things to it. She laughed. She fought to resist. She felt pulled towards his dancing naked penis as if it were the negatively ...

...happened at the theatre tonight and on the way home. I met Scrooge at one of my favorite theatres here in Dallas, the Angelika. I like it because they feature unusual, thought-provoking (does a hyphen belong there?) and well made films. Tonight our intended feature was "Milk," starring Sean Penn. It was playing in Auditorium 2. It was scheduled to begin at 4:35 p.m. It was my pleasure to order a cup of $2.45 drip coffee and people watch as I waited for Scrooge to arrive. There was an especially attractive gentleman in the coffee shop whom I wish now I'd had the balls to make up an excuse to speak to. I let fear snatch yet another of life's offerings for an experience from my grasp. But, that is a story for another time. Upon seeing Scrooge through the wall of plate glass windows I texted him to come buy his ticket from the kiosk. It is much faster that way. Overlooking the time I wasted texting as opposed to just getting up, going out the door, and telling him t...

Who would have thought on November 4th in 1958 that 50 years later America would elect our first African American president? No one that's who! And I'm the lucky girl who celebrated her 50th birthday on that momentous occasion. Never in my life have I been so involved, and that's not saying much, in a presidential election. This time I listened to every debate on TV. As I did, I listened not so much to what they were saying as to how they were saying it. I filtered through the words the candidates were saying, because much of it I either did not comprehend the complexity of, or decided it was campaign babble. Our new president presented himself professionally, seemingly knowledgeable, and poised at all times. He seemed to me to be a thoughtful man. The other candidates seemed frayed around the edges, subjective to what their advisors were telling them perhaps and thus not speaking from their own convictions as much as I perceived Barack Obama to be doing. Up until the mome...

Though I originally wrote the following entry in November of 2007, I just now, a full year later, worked up the courage to publish it. I ended the relationship with the fella mentioned here and have yet to enter another one. The former BF mentioned came back into my life for a blink. I've gotten over that now as well. Admired, Respected, Appreciated, Noticed, Adored, Encouraged, Desired, Nurtured, These are all feelings that I am not used to having directed towards me by a man. It started with my father and has continued from there. We kept one another at arm's length and it worked just fine. I've never known what it was like to have a man feel these ways for me and it makes me uncomfortable. My mother used to feel these ways about me and I put up my guard. I didn't trust it. Most importantly, I didn't feel worthy. Why not? I am most comfortable with men who only give me snippets of attention, love and adoration. I am constantly hungry for it and now, now I have a m...

One of the hardest things to come to terms with as I age is the profound difference between the age I feel in my mind and the age my body and face show me in the mirror. I still want to bounce around in a bikini like a 25 year old (I was totally hot at 25, even though I was toting around a toddler). I can't even bring myself to wear bikini underwear anymore. Not because my lover will be repulsed...screw that! Not only does it repulse me( it being the hunk of flab that droops over the top edge of the underwear when I'm in a sitting position) , but the hunk 'o flab is prominent enough that I can feel it even while standing. So, I can't escape it. Maybe if I didn't feel this slab of brisket bunching up around my torso region every time I so much as dare to slouch, not to mention sit down, I might dare to bare ~ a little. I worked with a heavy set young woman once, she was a big girl, who was wise about her size. She said just because they make bikinis in my size does n...

I know I am not the only single middle-aged woman with children whom I worry about. My second child, female, told me she was meeting a man, with whom she had only communicated with online, in person for coffee this evening. When it came time for her to meet him, she called to say he was actually picking her up from her apartment. Instantly my protective instincts kicked in and I over-reacted. I lost my temper and asked her if she'd lost her fucking mind giving a total stranger access to where she lived. She hung up on me. I tried calling her back. No answer. It went to voicemail. I leave a message asking her if her need to be a grown-up is so strong that she is willing to risk her life for it? (she's 22) I know, I know, she is an adult, but there are grown women my age, who have nothing to prove who are more careful than that. I text, I email, I leave messages. Finally, she emails me back that he was meeting her near the leasing office and doesn't know where her apartm...

One of the most disturbing things occurred to me today while researching the definition of codependency...I think I may be codependent on the past. How? you ask. Well, codependency has to do with control. At least that's what this link says... http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/Codependency.htm Anyway, after reading this it occurred to me that I am letting my regrets about past mistakes and choices control my present and consequently my future. How sick is that? Pretty sick, I say. I make a vow to myself this day...I will let go of my past. I will move into the future without regret. I believe I have apologized to those closest to me whom I have harmed and therefore have no other unsaid apologies to make. In the 12 step traditions I believe I have sucessfully completed at least steps 4, 5, and 8 throughout the last 11 years. So why have I hung on to those past regrets? Why have I punished myself so? Because in the true fashion of a codependent personality, if I just feel...