A Single Middle-Aged Woman...

Though I originally wrote the following entry in November of 2007, I just now, a full year later, worked up the courage to publish it. I ended the relationship with the fella mentioned here and have yet to enter another one. The former BF mentioned came back into my life for a blink. I've gotten over that now as well. Admired, Respected, Appreciated, Noticed, Adored, Encouraged, Desired, Nurtured, These are all feelings that I am not used to having directed towards me by a man. It started with my father and has continued from there. We kept one another at arm's length and it worked just fine. I've never known what it was like to have a man feel these ways for me and it makes me uncomfortable. My mother used to feel these ways about me and I put up my guard. I didn't trust it. Most importantly, I didn't feel worthy. Why not? I am most comfortable with men who only give me snippets of attention, love and adoration. I am constantly hungry for it and now, now I have a m...

One of the hardest things to come to terms with as I age is the profound difference between the age I feel in my mind and the age my body and face show me in the mirror. I still want to bounce around in a bikini like a 25 year old (I was totally hot at 25, even though I was toting around a toddler). I can't even bring myself to wear bikini underwear anymore. Not because my lover will be repulsed...screw that! Not only does it repulse me( it being the hunk of flab that droops over the top edge of the underwear when I'm in a sitting position) , but the hunk 'o flab is prominent enough that I can feel it even while standing. So, I can't escape it. Maybe if I didn't feel this slab of brisket bunching up around my torso region every time I so much as dare to slouch, not to mention sit down, I might dare to bare ~ a little. I worked with a heavy set young woman once, she was a big girl, who was wise about her size. She said just because they make bikinis in my size does n...

I know I am not the only single middle-aged woman with children whom I worry about. My second child, female, told me she was meeting a man, with whom she had only communicated with online, in person for coffee this evening. When it came time for her to meet him, she called to say he was actually picking her up from her apartment. Instantly my protective instincts kicked in and I over-reacted. I lost my temper and asked her if she'd lost her fucking mind giving a total stranger access to where she lived. She hung up on me. I tried calling her back. No answer. It went to voicemail. I leave a message asking her if her need to be a grown-up is so strong that she is willing to risk her life for it? (she's 22) I know, I know, she is an adult, but there are grown women my age, who have nothing to prove who are more careful than that. I text, I email, I leave messages. Finally, she emails me back that he was meeting her near the leasing office and doesn't know where her apartm...

One of the most disturbing things occurred to me today while researching the definition of codependency...I think I may be codependent on the past. How? you ask. Well, codependency has to do with control. At least that's what this link says... http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/Codependency.htm Anyway, after reading this it occurred to me that I am letting my regrets about past mistakes and choices control my present and consequently my future. How sick is that? Pretty sick, I say. I make a vow to myself this day...I will let go of my past. I will move into the future without regret. I believe I have apologized to those closest to me whom I have harmed and therefore have no other unsaid apologies to make. In the 12 step traditions I believe I have sucessfully completed at least steps 4, 5, and 8 throughout the last 11 years. So why have I hung on to those past regrets? Why have I punished myself so? Because in the true fashion of a codependent personality, if I just feel...

A friend of mine sent me a post from a Yahoo group that discusses Joseph Campbell's mythology wherein cycles were mentioned in the context that life is a progression of spirals, as that of a road winding up a mountain, as opposed to a linear progression culminating in the end of history. Which brings to mind, either way, there is a peak, a summit, an end to which the road comes, is there not? According to the post writer one encounters in their life similar types of problems time and again but each time we overcome a problem we gain experience therefore by the time we meet it again they have attained through that previous experience a more conscious awareness and thus meet them on a higher plane. Does this suggest we handle the problem better or just differently? What prompted my friend to send me this post was he remembered from an email I had written him in the wee hours one morning I had touched on the subject of cycles in my own life. This seems to be a recurrent theme for sing...

For quite some time now I've wanted to write a column addressing the issues that I, as a single middle-aged woman, face. Having no more writing experience than being a life-long journal keeper and a couple of college journalism courses, I make no claims that what you will read is going to polished or professional. What you will find, if I meet my goal, is candor and honesty...an unveiled attempt at exposing the joys and frustrations that I, and women of a certain age like me, face day in and day out as we journey through these murky middle-aged waters alone. Alone for a whatever reason.... separation, divorce, death, never having found the one , a few by choice but pretty much all of us just damn unlucky in love. It is my sincere hope that within these pages, you the reader, will find comfort, enlightenment, and humor. Abadoning pretense and form, I will attempt to communicate from my perspective and my life experiences, as well as those of the women I know, that happen to plague ...